And I'm always really, really interested in what I'm doing. So, sometimes I reach out to Jesse, get him online with me and get myself educated. Yesterday it was USS Scorpion SSN-589. **I love it when he's on swing** But that will have to wait till later.
Heres why: as part of my morning ritual I stop by the blogs of several young military vets I respect to see how they're doing, and yesterday morning young Jason at Rucksack to Backpack posted something that pulled me in and sent my mind off in a million directions. So, in order to spare him, I decided to make my comment short and do my museing here.
His post is a character study, done for a class at UCI, about a man of a certain age - read: retired - named Paul whom he'd snapped in photographs for another class.
Jason's photo, cropped
I'd first seen this shot sometime ago and wondered at the time what would compel this man to focus his campaign on collegiate Americans. I guess Jason wondered too.
Paul looks like he could be my age. When we went to college we thought we were inventing sex, drugs, and rock & roll. We were sure none had searched their souls as we had in our quest for the meaning of life. So Paul knows. He knows that while some of those kids are out breaking all the rules some of them are open to the answer and he intends to provide it. There's nothing malicious here, his intentions are good.
Wait. Are they? He has quite a list of lesser-thans on the sign that I cropped out of the photo above, check it out.
Jason's photo, cropped
Ok, we all have our demons, "judge not..." and all that. But I tend to throw a block when someone believes s/he knows what's acceptable and what's not. For EVERYBODY. How many of the things above is/was Paul guilty of? How often is that asked of him every day? How does he answer? And why, I wonder, why does he saddle himself with the hassle of confronting a bunch of kids who think they have all the answers. Oh wait. So does he.
After x-number of years spent racking up debits and credits, I think we all find answers that work for us and we tend to want to share them. Spare others from making the same mistakes. We think we KNOW. And maybe we do, but I also think that what we "know" is what works for us as individuals. We can share what we've learned but we need to remember that our answer is not THE answer.
"To Paul, nothing better exemplifies the work of Satan than a college..."
Ok..... But that doesn't work for me. Were I asked, I'd say war exemplifies the work of Satan. That's because I'm super-sensitive to the loss of life war brings and super-sensitive-on-drugs if the "cause" of the war is religion. Why? I've got a long, long, ever-so-long affiliation with the military as daughter, girlfriend, wife, and mother of service men. Only the last, my son, didn't have to face at least one war. Air Force, Marines, Army, Navy. It's all me. My life's been refracted thru the lens of life in the military. Good and bad. Warts and all. It shaped me.
And so I got to thinking about Paul. Confrontation. Anger. The almost daily clash of words and egos. Adrenaline and more adrenaline. What is Paul's background? How did he end up here?
Jason's photo of Paul, cropped
What Jason tells us of his background is predictable. No structure, stress, and emotional pain that lasted until he left home looking for something better. He was a fire fighter -- more stress and adrenalin. Did he follow in his mother's footsteps? Was he drafted into service during the Vietnam war? Stress. Adrenalin. Pain.
Eventually Paul found God and a structure upon which to build his life. That's fine. Religion can be a good thing. But Paul still needs the adrenalin. Because it's an addiction. And he's never kicked it. He probably isn't even aware of it because its been with him forever.
It's the same kind of addiction that some soldiers feel when their part of the war is over and they come home stripped of their guns. They have nightmares. They're edgy, anxious, smack the dog, their wives or their kids, and long for the comfort of their weapon. Over there, adrenalin coursed thru their bodies every time they left the wire. It's insidious and it's addictive. Back home, some try substituting drugs, alcohol, fast cars, thrills. They get the adrenalin, they have the potential to get dead, but the gun -- the comfort -- it's still missing.
It's the same kind of addiction that some soldiers feel when their part of the war is over and they come home stripped of their guns. They have nightmares. They're edgy, anxious, smack the dog, their wives or their kids, and long for the comfort of their weapon. Over there, adrenalin coursed thru their bodies every time they left the wire. It's insidious and it's addictive. Back home, some try substituting drugs, alcohol, fast cars, thrills. They get the adrenalin, they have the potential to get dead, but the gun -- the comfort -- it's still missing.
I'm guessing Paul sees God as his comfort and I'd never want to see that taken from him. But look at his pattern. Paul spent his early years dealing with upheaval, fear and uncertainty. Adrenalin had him from age two, and it still has him. These days, when Paul is verbally attacked the little boy comes back -- in his face, in his voice. Part of Paul is still a little boy in pain. But he's older now, he can fight back. He may seem "...backwards, close-minded, and intolerant of anything other than himself." But Paul is a product of the life he's led. Like me. And like you.
No stressor now that he's found God? Manufacture it. College students -- bingo.
No stressor now that he's found God? Manufacture it. College students -- bingo.
Jason calls Paul "Heaven's hall monitor" - I love that. It says so much about who Paul is. When he confronts the students does he rely on the same old "sound bites" each day or does he engage the students on an intellectual level? If he thinks Jesus is the only one to rise from the dead what does he say when someone in the crowd mentions Lazarus? Does he go to church? Who is his spirtual advisor? How do his activities -- admittedly four schooldays a week -- affect his loved ones? Does he have loved ones? I have my doubts about Paul but I feel sorry for the little boy who was dealt such a lousy hand.
I'm looking forward to Jason's expanded version of Paul's story. The fact that I spent so much time yesterday thinking about college, war, religion, and the tricks of life is due to Jason's talent for capturing his subject.
I'm looking forward to Jason's expanded version of Paul's story. The fact that I spent so much time yesterday thinking about college, war, religion, and the tricks of life is due to Jason's talent for capturing his subject.
Check it out.
http://rucksacktobackpack.blogspot.com/2009/10/repent-or-hell.html
http://rucksacktobackpack.blogspot.com/2009/10/repent-or-hell.html
You'll be glad you did.
2 comments:
Thank you.
The short answer, for the question at end, is that Paul is married, and has four children. His wife is supportive of him, "but less so than before." All four of his children are grown, and share the same faith. He seems to lament the less intense version of it.
It's difficult to say more. I have so much to say, and found that I had pared down the tone quite a bit. I realized how difficult it was to separate what I had to say, and what the assignment should say. There will be more, but I don't know when.
That must have been a really interesting interview. Did you get to talk to his wife as well?
Looking forward to more from you, you're off to a good start Jason.
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